Intimate Issues

[Sandy Ohlman]

Reader Question: What if your husband never comes to bed with you unless he wants to have sex. He’s either surfing the internet or watching the TV. I don't think it's fair.

This is a common question – you are not alone. Before I say anything more I want to state clearly that both you and your husband share the responsibility to keep your marriage alive. However, the only person you can change is you. My answer in this case is going to be directed to what you can do to create an atmosphere for true intimacy, mind, heart and body.

When a husband acts in this way it’s easy to think that it’s a matter of selfishness – thinking he’s just moved by his own personal desire for sex. I want to encourage you to step back from your own feelings and look at this objectively. Is he stressed out about work or finances on an ongoing basis? Is he struggling personally to have peace about himself or another area of life? It may be that he is using TV or the internet as a means of unwinding; getting his mind off of whatever is stressing him out. It may have nothing to do with you personally at all. Perhaps the moments when he comes to you are small windows where he is feeling grateful for you and wants to be close. Before you say or think “Ya, right!” please remember that you can only know what’s superficial – God alone knows the depths of your husband’s heart.

Here are a few steps to consider as you pursue that great marriage you desire:

•PRAY -- I encourage you to commit yourself to be a woman who builds her house like that wise woman in Proverbs 14:1. Begin in prayer, ask God to forgive you of any judgmental thoughts or attitudes. Ask Him to teach you His way and give you wisdom concerning your husband’s needs. It may even be advisable to fast one meal a week and pray for him and for your relationship. Be diligent to do whatever it takes to cause your covenant of marriage to prosper. When you live with that level of integrity you are pleasing to God and inspirational to those around you (including your children, if you have any).

•TALK – Ask your husband if there’s anything you can do to help him relax. You’ll be surprised how much your attitude of mercy will break down walls. Even if he says “No” he will be reassured that you are on his side. This attitude will not only help him to feel safe in his own home, it will give you an open door later on to expressing your needs. Express (not demand) your desire to be cuddled, talked with, or whatever your favorite personal time item may be. Express that nobody else can make you feel as happy or content as he can. Praise him as your favorite person and share how much you want to be close to him – even for just 20 minutes each night (whatever fits your lifestyle).

•EVALUATE – If prayer and discussion don’t bring any results over a short period of time it may be necessary for you to step back again and do some evaluating. It will very important that you keep yourself calm so that you can have wisdom to proceed ahead. Continue in constant prayer and believe the best of your husband. Ask God for the next step. Is there a need for more time to bring healing? Is support counseling necessary? Is there an addiction issue that needs to be dealt with? God will help you as you take each step toward a healthy marriage.

As you move forward I encourage you to determine in your heart that you will remain calm, not taking this personally, and proceed wisely and lovingly. Lean heavily on God and His love for you. Your heart will be protected and fulfilled – God Himself will see to it!