Interview with Sandy Ralya, Director of Beautiful Womanhood, a Christian Marriage Mentoring Ministry

January 2007

Subject: Starting a ministry, protecting your marriage, choosing your priorities

Other articles by Sandy Ralya on the Mentors of Ministry website:
How do I build and protect my marriage when I'm so busy? (Q&A Forum)

Q - Describe the Journey of how this ministry was planted and developed in your heart.

For the first eleven years of life with my husband, I struggled with marriage issues for which I was completely unprepared. My mother gave me all the marriage wisdom in her arsenal: one, never mention divorce, and two, choose your battles. It was more advice than she’d received. I heard good teaching at church, but I didn’t understand how to make the information practical and relevant to my situation. I was afraid to talk about my marriage and expose the rottenness in it; everyone else’s marriage seemed so good.

Ill-equipped and isolated, I responded to my marriage problems as best I knew how—with what came naturally to me. I was so busy trying to protect myself from getting hurt, I neglected the One who could save me. After years of suffering, I decided there had to be a better way of dealing with the problems I faced.

I turned toward God and began studying His word. Pursuing truth in God’s Word, I grew in my understanding of my role as a wife. I also began to reveal my secret pain to others. God used His Word and women—friends, family members, and a Christian counselor—to train and mentor me.

I learned and grew, making personal changes to reverse negative cycles that had plagued me for years. I credit sound teaching, practical application, and Christian marriage mentoring for the tremendous changes that made such a difference in my life.

When I gave God the control over my relationship with my husband, He accomplished in five months what I couldn’t in eleven years. He turned our marriage around and healing began.

In 2001, Tom and I traveled on vacation with his sister and brother-in-law. While basking in the beauty of God’s creation, I reflected on His goodness to me by restoring my marriage and providing strong relationships with godly women. Recounting God’s blessings with my sister-in-law, she wondered aloud how we could supply our married daughters with the truth we had learned and the fellowship we enjoyed. For the duration of the trip, we crafted a plan: invite our married daughters into our homes once a month for a meal and discuss topics relevant to marriage. We would provide them a safe place to share struggles and receive practical, godly counsel. We would impart our own life experiences—good and bad—in order to save them unnecessary grief and guide them through unavoidable trials. It became their favorite day of the month.
Soon, their friends were expressing interest in this kind of mentoring.
Thus, Beautiful Womanhood was born.

Q - So often spectators see only the end of our journey, see us there smiling, and underestimate the cost of the courage it took to get there. Was there ever a "day" when you were tempted to quit along the path? How did you get past that "day"?

Yes, there were many temptations to quit. When you choose to follow Christ and are identified with God’s interests, you become a target of the enemy—Satan. He uses weapons of fear, self-pity, and condemnation in an attempt to slow or stop any encroachment upon his territory.

In the beginning, the sheer excitement of God’s call upon my life was enough to get me through the attacks of the enemy. However, when Satan pulled out bigger guns, I needed more than the knowledge of God’s call. It was God’s Word that preserved, strengthened and delivered me. I renewed my mind with it morning, noon and night—even listening to biblical teaching while driving—filling any void with His word.

During a time of considerable attack, I didn’t leave my bed in the morning until I had put on all of God’s armor so that I would be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil (Ephesians 6:10-17).

One morning I asked the Lord, “What is the reward for going up against the giant? Is it worth it?” He answered me from Psalm 18. He was arming me with strength and making me as surefooted as a deer so I would be safe among mountain heights. He was preparing me to chase my enemies until they were caught. I would strike them down so they could not get up—grinding them as fine dust carried by the wind and then sweeping them into the gutter like dirt.

The understanding that God was preparing me in the wilderness to slay giants in the promised land filled me with a certainty He would continue to use me to save and strengthen marriages if I remained strong and of good courage.

Q - Marriage is the focus of your ministry and in the busyness of your ministry you practice what you preach. How do you continue to grow and protect your own marriage amidst all the demands of your work schedule?

This is a good question—one that I pray all leaders of ministry take seriously.

Protecting my marriage
Every marriage relationship is different, but Tom and I have certain things we do together that help cement our union. For instance, we drink coffee while having devotions together almost every morning. Sometimes it’s a temptation to rush up to my office during a particularly busy time, but I hold myself back—making time with Tom a priority, thus protecting an important aspect of our relationship. I tend to be goal oriented, but at 6:00 p.m., no matter if I’ve achieved my day’s goals or not, I turn off my laptop, put down my pen, and join Tom for an evening together. Protecting our time together is important to my husband and our relationship.

As I share during Beautiful Womanhood Seminars, the practical application of Biblical teaching is important, but Christian mentoring offers accountability and protection. I continue to submit to godly mentoring, becoming vulnerable with friends, family, and a Christian counselor. These women can see clearly into my life and speak with love concerning any issue I face. It’s an invaluable tool that I live first, and then teach.

Growing my marriage
A common prayer I pray is, “Lord, keep me one step ahead of all I teach others.” Falling behind in my own marriage in an effort to minister to others is not an option for me! As a result, Tom and I continue to deal with issues in our own marriage as the Lord teaches me new things. It’s not always an easy process, but it is well worth it. One advantage I enjoy is a never-ending supply of stories to tell on myself when ministering to others!

Another way I grow is by reading books on marriage, thereby learning from others’ experience. Filling my mind with the word and godly teaching is my daily practice.

Q- What message do you want to pass on to the next generation of Christian women?

Decide, with God’s help, what is important to you and make choices that will help you achieve your God-given desires.

Too often, we allow our culture to determine the direction in which we head. Materialism, busyness, and the impossible expectation that “you can have it all,” derail Christian women from achieving their desires. Ask yourself on a regular basis, “Are my choices helping me reach my God-given dreams?”

If your goal is to have a growing marriage, make choices that reflect this desire. If you long to raise children who are secure in their knowledge of God’s love, craft a plan that will help you reach that destination—and remember, you can’t give what you don’t first possess yourself.

Everyone has different dreams placed in their heart by God—so no two women’s choices will look the same! That’s something to celebrate rather than be threatened by.

God has placed dreams in each woman’s heart—follow that dream, allowing God to have His way in your life, and you will meet with a success that has His fingerprints all over it!