Taking Conflict Like A Man

by Dawn Sneden

I sat in my boss's office to discuss the frustrations associated with various personnel issues we had been dealing with. The problem? One of the women in our office had taken on several offenses and wasn't letting go. Just like a bad apple, she was starting to spoil the whole bushel. She wouldn't quit complaining, and she hadn't offered to quit her job. While my boss, who is a man, was pulling his hair out in frustration, he said something to this effect: "I hope you don't take this as sexist, but at least when I have a conflict with you, you act more like a man. We can argue and then still not agree, but at least when the day is over, it's done!"

At first I wasn't sure how to feel about this comment. Being told I was "more like a man" made me wonder where my feminine side had gone wrong. But then I realized why he considered it a compliment. He saw me as someone who was able to set aside conflict, put it behind me, and hold no grudges. That's biblical! Ephesians 4:26b-27 says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold!"

Women of God, as we grow into greater positions of leadership and authority, we need to understand that functioning outside of rejection, taking offenses and pouting is extremely necessary. I know it has been said that women "feel first, think second" and men "think first, feel second". Although that may be true in some sense and while we need to embrace the very essence of how God created women, we must mature in this area in order to be effective leaders. The devil would like nothing better than to drive a wedge between you and your leadership, or between you and your ministry team. We can't allow offenses to stew and ferment.

Here are some practical ways to stop offenses from getting a foothold. If someone comes to you with a complaint about someone else, ask if they have spoken directly to that person (Matt 5:23-24). Most times an open, honest discussion between the two people can resolve the problem. If they are unable to resolve the problem, meet with both of them. Ask that God would grant you wisdom to give correction where necessary and to discern if the conflict is a "heart issue". Then ask the two individuals to pray for each other, out loud in the meeting, before you discuss the problem.

Although rare, sometimes it may be necessary to have one or both of the individuals take a "time out" before returning to the ministry. Now, I know you are thinking, "but that's not right! I can't have someone leave the ministry while they are hurting! Can't we just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away?" Listen, God may be using this situation to change the heart of the individual. Keeping the conflict close will only lead to the "bad apple" syndrome and infect your ministry. Trust God to deal with their heart, so they will not continue to cause conflict in the future, and so that they will be restored to walk in His grace.

Above all, be in prayer for that person and encourage your ministry team to do so as well.